This was a tough, tough week…..My mom flew up from BC to be with us for this appointment, which I am so thankful for.
Our appointment on Wednesday was less than stellar. We found out that, while the fluid that was around his lungs dissipated on the right side, it doubled on the left, perplexing the doctors. They have no idea whats going on or why this is happening. At this time all we can do is wait until next week to see how the progress goes and where we need to go from there. We were informed that if the pleural effusion gets worse that we will have to fly to Toronto in the next few weeks to have a drain put in the baby’s chest wall to release some of the pressure on the other organs. They would also recommend doing an amniocentesis to see if we can figure out if the two issues are related. The doctor also said a few words that crumbled me…..”the amnio will let us know what kind of care we should be doing after birth…aggressive surgeries or palliative care” — the palliative care part didn’t really click in for me until I saw my mom and Lucas break down. “So you mean, just wait until my baby dies??” The rest of the conversation was a haze, I don’t remember much….
After we left the clinic, I decided I needed to take a break from reality and went for lunch at a nearby Earls, during the lunch rush….bad idea….we all just sat there, staring off in the distance with tears in our eyes. I couldn’t even look at Lucas without breaking down. I could see the pain and fear all over his face. We managed to eat a little and then hit the road back to Red Deer. As we were about to hit Deerfoot Trail I saw a pigeon over head trying to fly into the wind, struggling and almost hovering in one spot…for some reason that was it…..I lost it, I thought about even if our baby were to make it that there was going to be such a tough road at the beginning, fighting for it’s life, almost like flying into the wind.
Thursday was such a blur…thank goodness my mom was here or I would have just laid in bed all day depressed. I didn’t want to do anything. I feel like I can’t get excited for the birth because of everything that will happen once the baby is out. It’s safe inside and thats where I want it to stay….I will hold dear these last few months.
this was what my Thursday looked like…
Friday my mom, Jensen and I drove to Salmon Arm so I could visit my Papa who has just been diagnosed with Cancer….again. My grandma (breast cancer), mom(breast cancer) and Papa(esophageal Cancer) are all survivors. We are fighters. We don’t quit. That, and that alone gives me so much hope that this little baby will be just as strong as the rest of our family.
While in BC, I started to prepare myself to go to Toronto and to have multiple needles shoved into my stomach….but I started to feel better, the baby is moving around like crazy and I am enjoying this time more than ever. We even went out for a walk on the beach to look for driftwood to put up in the nursery. I made a little cloud mobile that I will be hanging from it :)
A few Instagram photos from our BC weekend…
Jensen playing the piano that I learned on as a child…
Chilly, windy snuggles on the beach
Thanks for the gloves Grandma!
The driftwood we found at the beach waiting to be hung